FORGIVE AND FORGET

This phrase I heard often. Let’s examine the concept of forgiving and forgetting in an adult relationship.

What does forgiving in a relationship mean?

Here are some examples for the forgiver:

• Forgiving in a relationship means that you accept that no-one is perfect

• Forgiving in a relationship means that you are not prepared to hold grudges

• Forgiving in a relationship means that you genuinely believe that your partner/person feels remorse and are sincerely sorry for their word and or actions

• Forgiving in a relationship means that you have accepted your partner’s explanation

• Forgiving in a relationship means that your partner has accepted the blame and owned up to whatever it is they have said or done and that you believe that your partner will learn from his/her mistakes and will not repeat the deed in the future

• Forgiving in a relationship means that you will trust your partner and are prepared to continue with the relationship without putting barriers in place

• To forgiving someone/your partner is the open display of the love you feel for him/her

• Forgiving in a relationship is letting go of grudges, lies and disappointment

What is the difference between forgiving and forgetting?

Here are some examples for the forgiver:

• Forgetting is being able to put the past behind you and no longer let this issue form a barrier between you and your partner

• Forgetting is no longer referring to the issue that caused the problem. Never throwing up to your partner jibes and comments of what took place at that time

• Forgetting is being able to let go of hurt and anger and not allowing these emotions to erode your relationship

• Forgetting the deed will strengthen your relationship in the long-term

• Forgetting is the ability to enable your partner to re-establish a loving relationship with you

• Forgetting is adhering to a joint ‘plan’ that re-establishes basic behavior and ground rules in the relationship

• Forgetting is letting go any thoughts of revenge

‘What do you believe forgiving and forgetting means?’

Here are some examples to help you:

• If you ask forgiveness you want it understood that you don’t want to speak about the incident again

• If you ask for forgiveness you want it understood that you don’t want your partner to interpret this as a sign that you are feeble

• If you ask for forgiveness you want it understood that you don’t want your partner to use this against you

• If you ask for forgiveness you want it understood that it has been difficult for you to do and are only doing so because you believe the relationship is worth you both trying harder to make it work

In Step 1 I suggested a list of questions you should ask yourself. In this Step I am encouraging you to answer these questions. Take as long as you like, but answer them honestly. I will assist you in this exercise by offering an explanation of each question.

I will repeat the questions I mentioned in Step 1 and will give an explanation for each of them:

• Have you asked someone/your partner to forgive you?

• Have you really wanted to be forgiven by that person/your partner?

• Have you only asked to be forgiven in order to keep your partner happy and continue to believe that they are still in control of the relationship?

• Have you found it easy to ask for forgiveness?

• Have you asked for forgiveness so many times that you now feel de-valued and lacking self-worth?

• Have you paid the price of repeatedly asking for forgiveness from your partner even when you have done no wrong?

• Have you lost the love you had for your partner through accepting blame and because you have been expected to ask for forgiveness?

Let’s look at the first question:

1. ‘Have you asked someone/your partner to forgive you?’

If you answer ‘yes’ to this question then you will know how difficult and embarrassing it is to acknowledge to your partner the fact that you believe and own that you have made a mistake. This gesture requires courage and honesty. If you are or were able to ask for forgiveness the non-verbal communication you are giving your partner is that you won’t make the same mistake again. If you are not genuine in asking for forgiveness then you will be asking your partner for forgiveness because you know that is what is needed for your partner to forget the problem. In other words you are lying to your partner for your own hidden agenda.

In order to move on and have a healthy relationship it is vital that you mean what you say and that you are not just saying the words to ‘shut your partner up’.

If you are honest and really mean what you say, how did it feel asking for forgiveness?

Here are some examples of how it feels to ask for forgiveness?

• It feels humiliating

• It feels embarrassing

• It feels humbling

• It feels confrontational

• It feels empowering

• It feels that you are trusting and have blind faith in the process of forgiveness

• It feels childish that at my age I need to ask for forgiveness

• It feels like you are emotionally cleansing your mind

• It feels like a relief to get it off your chest

• It feels like letting go of something bad

• It feels like the beginning of a fresh start

Has your partner/someone ever thrown something up to you that you have asked forgiveness for?

If you have experienced this act of betrayal of trust, then you will be disinclined to be honest and own up in the future. Trust is an essential element in moving on from asking for forgiveness and it is the last thing you would expect your partner to do.

If you have experienced this act of betrayal how did/does it make you feel?

Here are some examples:

• It makes you feel betrayed

• It makes you feel worthless

• It makes you feel foolish

• It makes you feel you will never apologise or ask for forgiveness again

• It makes you feel embarrassed particularly if it is done in front of other people

• It makes you feel hurt

• It makes you feel angry

• It makes you feel revengeful

• It makes you feel resentment

As you can see this list is endless. These are all powerful feelings that will be imprinted in your memory and will stop you from being honest and owning up to anything else in the future.

In the forgiving and forgetting stage what are the thoughts and emotions you are aware of?

Here are some examples to assist you:

• The thoughts provoke you to look at yourself

• The thoughts provoke you to look at your partner

• The thoughts provoke you to value your relationship

• The thoughts provoke you to being anxious about appearing vulnerable to you partner

• The thoughts provoke you to feel sorry that you have messed things up

It is difficult to look at yourself, your behavior, attitude, actions, speech but this is integral to coming to terms with identifying what it is exactly that needs to change.

Let’s take a look at each of these statements

The thoughts provoke you to look at yourself

Some people do not want to look at their own behaviour. Others believe that they are always right whatever the circumstances. To forgive and forget you will accept that you must look at the part you have played in the scenario that has unfolded. If you cannot see that you had a part to play and acknowledge what that part was, you will be unable to move on from this stuck stage. It is the height of vanity and arrogance to believe that you are always totally blameless.

The thoughts provoke you to look at your partner

Most people find it easier to look at the behaviour of others than to look at their own behaviour. You are too ready to criticise someone else than to criticise yourself. If I asked you to make a list of your partner’s bad points I am sure that you could recall and identify your partner’s bad points very quickly. You will find it easier to pin point the role your partner has played in the scenario and will blank out or block your role in the scenario. Love is being able to love your partner despite his/her faults.

The thoughts provoke you to value your relationship

When you are able to acknowledge and accept your role in the scenario and also accept that you have played a significant part in creating and continuing the problem, then you will see that you must take partial responsibility and accountability for the way things have turned out. The negative side of acceptance is that you might feel foolish that you have jumped to conclusions too soon and interpreted what your partner has said or done wrongly. The positive side of acceptance is that you are behaving as a mature adult in finding out and accepting that you did have a role to play and that you are prepared to accept the responsibility of your errors.

The thoughts provoke you to be anxious about appearing vulnerable to your partner

If you feel vulnerable due to accepting responsibility for your actions in the scenario it will be because accepting responsibility is a new thing for you to do and the more you understand yourself and your interactions with others/your partner, the easier it will be for you to do this.

The thoughts provoke you to feeling sorry that you have messed things up

2. Have you really wanted to be forgiven by your partner?

You should only ask for forgiveness from your partner if you genuinely believe that you were partly to blame. Before asking for forgiveness it is essential that you look at your role in the situation and are able to identify where you went wrong in your interaction with your partner regarding the conflicting issue. If you are unable to do this, asking for forgiveness is useless in the moving on stage as there will be no moving on for either of you when this happens as the future will be based on a lie.

3. Have you only asked for forgiveness in order to keep your partner happy and continue to believe that they are still in control of the relationship?

Ask yourself, ‘how many times have you asked for forgiveness just to keep your partner happy?’ and ‘why do you do this?’ Many women I have counselled have used this strategy on a regular basis. It’s the ‘peace at any price’ method. When you adopt this strategy what you are actually doing is storing up the conflicting issues in your memory box and continuing doing this will result in you becoming resentful and bitter towards your partner.

4. Have you found it easy to ask for forgiveness?

When you ask for forgiveness it is natural to feel vulnerable and foolish. The truth is, however, that saying you are sorry and asking for forgiveness strengthens your mind, re-energises your soul and empowers you. You will feel humility perhaps for the first time and whilst this experience highlights your weakness it will be beneficial in the long term by strengthening your character.

5. Have you asked for forgiveness so many times that you now feel devalued and lacking in self-worth?

If your partner is in control of the relationship and expects you to be servile to him/her you will feel disempowered and lacking in self-worth. It’s a vicious circle isn’t it? Your partner expects you to react in a particular way and you try to fulfil your obligations by complying to his/her wishes but when do you stop reacting and using this disabling method? To restate this question, ‘how can you begin to look at each other and your relationship in a more positive light?

Here are some ideas and options that you could try:

• You can do this by putting each other first

• You can do this by taking the first step in changing your reactions during arguments. Not any drastic changes just small simple ones that don’t require much effort on your part

• Find out what your usual pattern is when you are in conflict with your partner. Do you run to a friend or a family member for support? Try not to do this and instead remove yourself from the room and occupy yourself with some trivial task. By doing this you are sending several non-verbal messages to your partner that you (a) are not fazed by the conflict and do not need someone else to support you (b) you are confident enough to deal with yourself (c) you don’t put the problem and the conflict high on your support agenda. This will have an affect on the way your partner behaves and it should draw you closer to each other

• Devise a structure to get back your self-worth. Join a gym, join an educational class, go out shopping with friends, do anything that will empower you but nothing that will distance yourself any further from your partner

• During arguments. Stop speaking and ask for a hug. Your partner might be shocked and refuse to give you one but if you are persuasive I am sure that you will get one eventually. Doing this will, temporarily disarm your partner

• Aim for better communication between the two of you. Tell your partner that you don’t like arguing and would rather talk things through rationally and calmly

• Ask your partner how you could support him/her and tell your partner how he/she can support you

• Try and spend quality time together doing things, i.e., a walk, movies, meeting up with friends. By doing these things you will both be distracted from the conflict you are experiencing and also it will stop either of you needing support from others

• Re-make a commitment to each other

6. Have you paid the price of repeatedly asking for forgiveness from your partner even when you have done no wrong?

If you have engaged in this interaction you will have paid the price by experiencing your personality diminishing, your assertiveness evaporating, your behaviour becoming pathetic, and you will be unable to make a decision because you are treading on egg shells around your partner. All these things are a high price to pay particularly when you believe that you have done nothing wrong. This continued behaviour on your part will make you resentful of your partner which will create a distance between you that will be difficult to overturn. Please take into consideration that your behaviour only serves to reinforce your partner’s power over you and in the relationship. The bottom line is that you are actually colluding with your partner to ensure for him/her to stay the same. It is tempting in the first instance to adopt this method during conflict but it cannot be sustained over a long period of time without bitterness eroding the relationship. Continuing this practice can also result in you becoming depressed.

7. Have you lost the love you had for your partner through accepting blame and because you have been expected to ask for forgiveness?

Unfortunately this is the consequence of an unrealistic expectation your partner has placed on you and which you have succumbed to. Controlling someone is a risky business for the controller in that the relationship will only succeed on his/her terms. Eventually the servile partner will ‘wake up and smell the coffee’ and will want to stop behaving and reacting in this way. That is when the trouble really starts and the nastiness begins. The years you have spent hiding the bitterness and resentment will explode and will be difficult to contain. It will take a sold relationship and a lot of love to overcome this situation.

Here are some examples on how to overcome this situation:

• The servile partner must let go past resentments and hostility

• The servile partner will have to have ‘blind faith’ in moving on from this place

• The servile partner will have to release fears that he/she has hung on to

• The servile partner will have to take risks to overcome the situation

• The servile partner will have to work through the anger they are feeling (either with their partner, a trusted friend of a therapist

• The servile partner will have to practice and be comfortable with open and honest communication

• The servile partner will need to learn how to trust

• The servile partner must start believing that everyone has the capacity to change

• The servile partner must recognise and acknowledge their part in the conflicting scenarios

Here are some examples for the Controlling partner to adopt:

• The controller must learn to accept that his/her partner is an equal and has a right to be heard and have their say

• The controller must allow his/her partner to grow in the relationship

• The controller must allow sufficient time to elapse in order for the servile partner to readjust into his/her new role

• The controller must let go of his/her fears and need to control the relationship

• The controller must learn to take a risk and allow his/her partner to take the lead in the relationship some of the time

• The controller must learn to develop trust in his/her partner

• The controller must realise that the relationship is not a competition-no-one is the winner in a loving relationship

• The controller must learn their part in the conflicting scenario and be prepared to look at their thoughts, actions and behaviour patterns

• The controller should have support and/or guidance from a trusted friend, their partner or a professional therapist

This is a huge block to overcome for both partners and the good news is that it can be done.

Another exercise that could be useful at this stage of development is to ask these questions:

• Who is responsible for my behaviour in the conflict?

• Who is responsible for my reaction in the conflict?

• Who is responsible for my feelings in the conflict?

• Who is responsible for me being stuck in the conflict?

When you are able to answer these questions honestly you can move on to the next stage in the exercise.

Ask yourself:

• How can I put this conflict behind me?

• How can I forgive my partner?

• How can I make sure that I won’t be hurt in future conflicts if I let go of control?

• What reward do I get for blaming my partner for the feelings I experience?

If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa

How Do You Trust Someone That Has Cheated On U Twice?

With difficulty I'm afraid. Although you may choose to forgive someone, it is very difficult to forget what they have done. In this case is the issue is probably brought up whenever there is an argument or disagreement. It is not likely that a relationship will last if you are unable to draw a line in the sand and move on; this means you need to forgive AND forget in order to begin to pursue a successful relationship.

If the relationship was fairly new when the infidelity occurred, and if your partner admitted it because they felt the relationship was becoming serious, it may be worth putting the situation behind you and starting from scratch. This is easier as you can almost pretend in your own mind that the relationship wasn't yet official. In this case sit down and discuss what you both want out of the relationship and ensure that ground rules are firmly set. From this point on you will know that your partner is well aware of your expectations and is clear that you are indeed in an exclusive, serious relationship.

If the disloyalty happened during a serious relationship, I would imagine that it will be very difficult to build trust. Even if you want to forgive them for what they have done, it is always going to be at the back of your mind that they could make the same mistake again. Unless you are prepared to completely let go of the past, you may end up suffocating one another. Imagine how you will feel if your partner goes out with friends or has to go away on business; will this cause an argument or make you feel uneasy? If the answer is yes, then it is probably better for your own health and sanity (if nothing else) to quit while you're ahead.

the kisses sweet

first and foremost, don't do anything physical with someone you don't trust. there's such an idea in our society that first dates should end with at least a goodnight kiss, if not sex. the bottom line is, you aren't obligated to do anything. if you have any doubts, don't take chances, but if you feel it's right, and they feel it's right, then it most likely is.

talk about your limits before you're in a sexual situation. tell your lover how far you are comfortable with going, and don't go any further unless you've both decided it's a good thing to do. also, talk about ways of expressing affection which may be uncomfortable for you; having your lover sneak up behind you to surprise you, kissing roughly in play, pinning you down, etc. remember, many physical gestures which may be meant very playfully by your lover can frighten you into an emotional upset.

never be afraid to ask your lover to stop doing something. many of the survivors i have talked to (and myself included) have expressed worries about being "annoying" or "frustrating" when they ask their partner to please stop, but all of the lovers i have talked to have very solemnly expressed the desire to know what is going on, no matter when or how many times it happens. remember, just like sex isn't everything for you, sex also isn't everything for your lover.

regarding flashbacks, nightmares, memories and so forth, don't be afraid to tell your lover about what is going on with you if you want to. i know it is a difficult subject to talk about, but we all have to get to the point, eventually, where we can communicate with our lovers about our feelings, without any shame or guilt involved.

create a peaceful atmosphere: play your favorite music, light candles, burn incense. avoid anything that will make you remember your attack, if possible. also, avoid trying to be romantic at parties and in other crowded places unless you are feeling secure enough that you are certain you can handle the crowds. the level of noise and activity can become very overwhelming and can frequently cause flashbacks on unstable days.

work on being comfortable with your lover. cuddle, hold hands, kiss lightly, brush each other's hair, spend plenty of time together. it will help you build trust and establish familiarity with your lover, and this way more intense physical contact won't be as much of a shock.

notice things about your lover that make them different from your attacker. the color of their eyes, the shape of their hands, etc. look for distinguishing characteristics that can help you know who your lover is if a flashback should surface during intimacy; this will reduce panic and hopefully add comfort to the situation.

keep a good perspective on how you feel about what you're doing sexually. don't ignore your gut reactions; they're usually your most reliable. if you feel yourself starting to slip into numbness, stop immediately and explain to your partner what is going on. talk things over, if you can.

don't try to rush things. keep a good window of time open to be together (this is another place where talking is very helpful) in order to avoid feeling panicky or rushed.

listen to your partner. give them a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, and an open mind. remember, your lover needs to be heard and respected in order to heal. it can also greatly help you understand where your lover is coming from.

provide opportunities for your lover to spend time alone. even though your reaction to their trauma may be to spend as much time with them as possible, survivors also need time alone to sort through things. ask them how much time they want to spend together while they sort through the sexual healing process.

find an outlet for yourself. sometimes it can be difficult to share your thoughts and feelings on the violation with your lover. most crisis lines will offer support for partners of survivors. call your local crisis line for more information.

be accepting and non-blaming, avoid judgements about their experience, know that these are your own issues that you have to work through. even if you sometimes feel like there was something they could have done differently, or another way they could have behaved, avoid telling them about it. the only thing that it will do is make your lover feel at fault.

be open to feelings, and share your emotions with them. it is very important to share your feelings about the violation with each other. tell your partner how it makes you feel that they have been hurt, but if anger is an emotion you feel related to your partner's experience, always be cautious about expressing it. by all means, expressing your feelings is of utmost importance for your relationship to be a strong one, but it is also important to consider where your lover is in their own healing process. they may feel as if you are blaming them for the violation, or your anger may frighten them.

don't rush the process. when the two of you are moving into being sexual together, it may take time. although this can be frustrating, you need to remember that your lover is working through a lot of difficult things. remember that if your partner is reluctant about sexuality it isn't about you, it's about their attacker. it isn't about what you do, it's about what their attacker did.

read body language, try to be conscious of what your partner is feeling. during intimacy it is sometimes easy to forget everything but your own feelings, but you have to concentrate on your lover's feelings as well. don't try to fix them, but be as gentle as they need you to be. ask permission to touch them, be aware of whether or not they are enjoying what you are doing. if it seems like they are uncomfortable, flashing back, or zoning out, stop what you are doing and ask if they need to talk about anything.

don't try to fix them. remember that there are some things your partner has to work through on their own, and that no amount of your help, no matter how much you love them, will fix what has happened. even if you have a wonderful night of intimacy on monday, on tuesday the flashbacks may be back in full force. be supportive of their healing process, but don't try to control it.

be patient with mood swings. it is important not to have expectations of the way your lover is going to feel, because during a difficult day moods can change from depressed to ecstatic to bored to terrified in the space of ten minutes, and for seemingly no reason at all. sometimes, exploring relationships after violation is one of the most difficult challenges a survivor can face, and the emotional weight can take its toll. try to calm your lover down, talk to them, ask what is going on with their emotions.

set and respect sexual boundaries. sit down together and talk about limits. remember, it is important for you to set your own boundaries as well. so even if your lover is comfortable with having sexual intercourse, for example, and you just feel like it would be too much emotionally, say so. respect them and they will respect you. avoid pressuring your partner into anything.

here i have compiled a list of soothing activities lovers can do together that aren't necessarily sexual. for me, being sexual has always been a bit of a challenge early on in relationships, and i hear this from many other survivors as well. doing things like this together helps build trust, establish a strong friendship, and can also work wonders on difficult days.

watch the sunset, the stars, or the sunrise together.
find an open field or a rooftop or a suitable front porch, wrap yourselves up in a blanket, and sit together for a few hours. enjoy being close to one another, having conversation or just watching the world around you in silence, sharing body heat and getting to know each other better.

take showers or bubble baths together, or go skinny-dipping.
spending time naked together will help you get used to each other's bodies so that it won't be overwhelming in a sexual situation, and if you can make it work so that the situation is primarily non-sexual, it can often help the survivor to become much more comfortable with the idea of sensuality.

give each other back massages.
again, this kind of physical contact helps build trust and comfortability between a survivor and their lover, and it can also be an extremely relaxing activity, a great reliever of stress and fatigue.

whisper to each other.
sharing special secrets and inside jokes with each other can help increase intimacy without any danger of uncomfortability.

cook for each other, go grocery shopping.
doing mundane activities together can really help bring two people closer together. run errands, make coffee, do laundry. use times like these as a way to spend casual time together, talking and laughing. not only does it help to distract from traumatic memories and etc., it's also great to have the company of someone you care about.

hold hands, look into each other's eyes.
if talking isn't an easy thing, just sit together, hold hands, and communicate with your eyes. try to look into each other's hearts, feel what your lover is feeling. sometimes sitting in silence with your lover can say more than words ever could.

sleep together.
not sex, just sleeping. sleeping together is an amazing step toward fully trusting someone for most survivors. it might be a good thing to work toward; spend time taking naps together, or spending the night at one another's houses without having sex in mind. drink tea together, maybe read to each other, fall asleep together, and wake up together.

go for a long walk.
especially if a survivor is feeling panicky, walks can help a lot. there are a lot of distractions outside. make sure you don't go anywhere too loud or full of people. stroll along under trees or in parks. hold hands if that feels like an okay thing to do.

do art projects together.
if the violation is something you talk openly about, try doing a healing piece of artwork together. it can be a poem you cooperate to write, a painting, a sculpture, anything. expressing yourselves is vitally important.

hold each other.
find a comfortable place (a bed, a sofa, a secluded lawn) and just hold each other close, without kissing or talking, just being together, breathing, listening.

give random gifts.
pick each other flowers, write poems, bring home lucky pennies and scraps of ribbon, little things that mean something to you. giving gifts is a great way to remind your lover that you care about them even in times of difficulty.

read to each other.
share your favorite books and poems with one another. put aside a couple of hours and take turns reading chapters or passages from your favorite pieces of literature.

remember your dreams and tell your lover about them.
another activity that can build trust and intimacy, sharing dreams with one another can provide insight into what you are both going through emotionally. call your lover when you wake up and share dreams with them. offer interpretation, share ideas.

tell each other your most sacred secrets and fears.
remember to share parts of yourself with your lover. it is easy to withdraw emotionally, but important to know that it is essential to share truths about yourself with them. share happy memories and old nightmares, hopes and aspirations, fears and goals.

talk about how it makes you feel to be together.
tell your lover what you like about your relationship. talk through the frustrating parts. make decisions about how much time to spend together, what you need to work through, and so forth. communication is invaluable.

make sacrifices for each other.
it is important to remember that you should be ready to change plans occasionally for your lover's sake; if she feels like she needs to see you, if he wants to talk about something. understand how important a role your lover fills in your life, and be ready to sacrifice some things to keep the bonds between you strong.

Forgiving an Affair

The discovery of an affair will attack you with shock, anger and numbness. No matter what way you choose to react, your surroundings will look the same afterwards because you have not yet started coping with what has transpired. You find that you are suddenly lost due to being caught off guard. You never thought this would happen to you. So when it does, what should you do when this painful truth is revealed and how can you forgive it?

The first thing to do when you find out that your partner has been cheating is to allow your emotions to flow out of your body. Holding your feelings in will only make you feel worse and cause a tremendous amount of stress both physically and mentally. Once you have expressed your instant reaction, you can start thinking more slowly and rationally. You will start examining your relationship, wondering where it went wrong and if it was ever as wonderful as you claimed it to be. You will create a chain of questions that have not yet been answered and will start feeling farther and farther away from getting any of them answered. Everything will be sorted out time, but first thing is first. and that is getting your emotions sorted out.

Once your emotions have been expressed and sorted out, it is important to remember to not give the affair more power over your life than it deserves, even though at the time being, it feels like the end of the world. The fact of the matter is, it is not the end of the world, but has changed your world and the way you look at it, which is understandable. Know that your partner's affair has nothing to do with his or her love for you, nor does it make you a failure in relationships. What the affair does tell you though, is that there are essential issues that need to be addressed. It is normal to be angry and unable to calmly discuss this with your partner, so let him or her know that (without getting violent or throwing them out of course). Let him or her know that you are deeply hurt and angry that they chose an affair as a way to deal with the issues in your relationship and you are not ready to talk about it just yet.

When you are ready, where do you start? It will be difficult to focus on the discussion if you are torturing yourself with visual thoughts of the cheating act. Make an effort to be strong and avoid the unnecessary painful thoughts that will in no way make you feel better or get your relationship back on track. You know what goes on when two people are intimate, so save yourself the details you already know and spare yourself the hurt. The focus is to find and establish the reasons for the affair and ways you can move on with your lives together, with a new and improved affair proof relationship. Good communication will be the key to your road to recovery, so be sure to ask the right questions, listen with undivided attention and understanding, as well as answering the questions you are asked and finding suitable solutions on how to prevent the same event in the future.

Anger, as well as other emotions, will arise while you and your partner attempt to make things right and better. You may blow up during discussions because your mind will re-fresh your memory of how your partner had the guts to betray you and how stupid, hurt and disrespected it made you feel. Your partner (the afairee) may also become upset because of your non-stop attacks on him or her, especially if they confessed and genuinely apologized. Before attempting any conversations regarding the affair, be sure that you and your partner agree to disagree and express anger. You both need to have patience for each other's feelings, for it will take time to get past the emotional outbursts. If things start getting out of control and you find yourselves no longer talking, but only yelling and blaming instead, end the conversation and give each other some space. You may need to do this several times until you can talk without such interruptions. Take it one step at a time. After all, if you and your partner have made a decision to make things work, then there is no need to rush and panic.

After you and your partner get everything out in the open and understand the roots of the affair, you can then concentrate on re-building the trust and forgiving once and for all. Forgiving your partner does not mean you will forget what happened, but it will mean that you have accepted what transpired and are ready to move forward without bringing the past into your future as a couple. It will be difficult for you to blindly trust your partner again, but you must make an effort, as well as your partner. Your trust will strengthen as time goes by and through the convincing actions of your partner. You cannot put your partner on a leash and monitor him or her 24 hours a day, and you shouldn't want to. Do not expect things to magically improve, because you will be disappointed. Re-building the trust, passion and strength in your relationship will take a reasonable amount of time and could even require counseling if you feel you cannot make it on your own.

Re-building your self-esteem will help you forgive the affair as well. Being betrayed can do great damage to the way you feel about and look at yourself. You may feel less attractive physically and not worthy enough both mentally and spiritually. Get in touch with yourself and terminate your insecurities by finding ways to replenish the perspective you have on your being. Continue to tell yourself that an affair does not change the wonderful person you are and you are just as beautiful, desirable, intelligent and respectable as ever.

To avoid getting pulled back into the past, set your mind and heart on creating new memories together. Exploring new happiness will help your relationship mend and move on greatly. Go on dates, get romantic and become better friends than before! Make a permanent note in your mind that nobody is perfect but everyone deserve forgiveness for their mistakes. Try putting yourself in your partner's shoes and think about the pain and regret they are going through and how much they love you. He or she knew it was wrong to do before they did it, but probably felt it was their only way to cope with their troubles at the time. If you have been genuinely apologized to and promised that it will never happen again, then open your heart and give him or her a chance. You obviously love your partner and he or she loves you, which is why you have decided to forgive and move on. So work as a team and be each other's strength in putting the past behind you, looking at it as a learning experience in which will assist you in making your love affair-proof from this point on.

WAJIB BACA - KEJADIAN KEJAM DI STESEN

Ini adalah sangat menakutkan, serupa dengan kes Ms Canny Ong. Pada suatu hari, terdapat seorang wanita yang berhenti di stesen minyak untuk mengisi minyak. Setelah selesai memenuhkan tangki minyak selepas membayar menggunakan kad kredit di pam dan ingin meninggalkan stesen tersebut, atendan di dalam kedai lantas bercakap menerusi speaker dan memberitahu sesuatu yang berlaku dengan kad itu dan meminta wanita itu masuk ke dalam untuk membayar tunai.

Wanita itu keliru kerana dia telah selesai mengisi minyak dan pembayaran menggunakan kad kredit telah diluluskan. Dia menunjukkan isyarat tangan kepada atendan tersebut dan bersiap sedia untuk meninggalkan tetapi atendan tersebut sekali lagi menggesa wanita tersebut masuk ke dalam kaunter kedai untuk membayar tunai. Dengan perasaan sedikit marah, wanita itu terus masuk ke dalam kedai dan mempertikaikan tindakan petugas tersebut dan menuduh dia menipu. Atendan tersebut memberitahu supaya wanita itu bertenang dan mendengar dengan teliti Atendan memberitahu ketika wanita tersebut sedang mengisi minyak, dia telah melihat seorang lelaki telah masuk ke dlm kereta dan bersembunyi dikerusi belakang . Dengan segera beliau telah menghubungi pihak polis. Wanita tersebut terus menjadi takut dan segera melihat pintu keretanya terbuka dan lelaki itu telah menyusup keluar dan meninggalkan kereta itu dengan tergesa-gesa.

Kes baru-baru ini didapati mempunyai kaitan dengan ujian untuk permulaan geng jenayah terbaru dimana memerlukan seseorang untuk membawa balik bahagian badan seorang wanita .. Salah satu cara yang mereka lakukan adalah dengan merangkak perlahan-lahan dan menyusup masuk ke dalam kereta wanita manakala sasaran utamanya adalah stesen minyak atau di kedai runcit pada waktu malam. Kemudian, mereka akan potong kaki / buku lali mangsa menculik mereka dan kemudiannya membunuh dan mencerai-beraikan mereka. Kaedah lain adalah dengan memaksa wanita itu masuk ke dalam kereta kemudian menculik mereka, Sila sebarkan ini kepada wanita lain, orang muda dan tua.

Pertama, wanita seharusnya lebih berhati-hati apabila ingin masuk ke dalam kereta pada waktu malam.
Kedua, Jangan letakkan kereta di tempat sunyi atau terpencil semata-mata ingin mendapatkan tempat letak kereta percuma!
Ketiga, Jika boleh, elakkan memandu seorang diri pada waktu malam! Ini adalah situasi sebenar! Penculikan! Pembunuhan! Putus dan anggota badan dicerai-ceraikan! Ini semua berlaku di Malaysia !

Jadikan amalan :
1. Pastikan kereta berkunci setiap masa walaupun anda meninggalkan kereta sebentar.
2. Periksa sekeliling kereta sebelum masuk ke dalam kereta.
3. Sentiasa peka terhadap sebarang tanda-tanda pelik dari persekitaran anda dan individu lain di dalam sekitar umum, terutama pada waktu malam

‎~ Never Judge Anyone ~

A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery. He answered the call ASAP, changed his clothes and went directly to the surgery block.
He found the boy’s father going and coming in the hall waiting for the doctor. Once seeing him, the dad yelled:
“Why did you take all this time to come? Don’t you know that my son’s life is in danger? Don’t you have the sense of responsibility?”

The doctor smiled and said:
“I am sorry, I wasn’t in the hospital and I came the fastest I could after receiving the call…… And now, I wish you’d calm down so that I can do my work”

“Calm down?! What if your son was in this room right now, would you calm down? If your own son dies now what will you do??” said the father angrily

The doctor smiled again and replied: “I will say what Job said in the Holy Bible “From dust we came and to dust we return, blessed be the name of God”. Doctors cannot prolong lives. Go and intercede for your son, we will do our best by God’s grace”

“Giving advice when we’re not concerned is so easy” Murmured the father.

The surgery took some hours after which the doctor went out happy, “Thank God! Your son is saved!”

And without waiting for the father’s reply he carried on his way running. “If you have any question, ask the nurse!!”

“Why is he so arrogant? He couldn’t wait some minutes so that I ask about my son’s state” Commented the father when seeing the nurse minutes after the doctor left.

The nurse answered, tears coming down her face: “His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was in the burial when we called him for your son’s surgery. And now that he saved your son’s life, he left running to finish his son’s burial.”

NEVER JUDGE ANYONE because you never know how their life is and as to what is happening or what they’re going through.