Saturday, April 23, 2011

pengertian hidup dalam cinta

"maaf kalau i x cintakan awak waktu kita couple dulu & malu mengaku wk bf i spanjang kita bersama......"
mungkin dulu aku menangis bila mendapat pesanan ringkas ini....namun aku kini tabah melalui semua ini...mungkin kerna kata2nya + tindakan yang banyak membuatku menangis dan sedar yang aku bukan siapa2 baginya.....namun kini aku mampu bergerak tanpanya...tanpa merindui atau mencintainya lagi....lega aku makin kuat untuk menghadapi dugaan hari ke hari....mampu bersyukur yang aku kini mampu berdiri tanpa siapa pun

Wednesday, April 20, 2011




How to Heal from Emotional Abuse

If you want to heal from emotional abuse, you may want to start with your childhood. Emotional abuse often has roots going all the way back to early development. Emotional abuse of children can result in serious emotional and behavioral problems, including depression, lack of attachment, low cognitive ability, and poor social skills – all things that affect adult life and especially adult relationships.

In studies, children who were emotionally abused were found to grow up angry and uncooperative, lacking in creativity, persistence, and enthusiasm.

Modeling is especially important here, because the child may either imitate violent behavior, or learn that being abused is normal. Once gained, these roles are very hard to unlearn, and set the tone and model of behavior for their adult relationships.

When put into action, angry and violent verbal abuse such as blaming, ridiculing, insulting, swearing, yelling and humiliation will have long-term negative effects on a woman’s self-esteem and contribute to feelings of uselessness, worthlessness and self-blame. Her reaction to and acceptance of abuse may have been learned when she was a child. It is important to recognize this behavior and learn how to reverse it.

Emotional abuse can have serious physical and psychological consequences for women, including severe depression, anxiety, persistent headaches, back and limb problems, and stomach problems.

In order to heal from emotional abuse we need to bear in mind the following:

  • Become aware of your situation, call abuse as abuse and stop accepting his “tough love”.
  • Recognize that change is earned – it will come only if you work for it. Nobody will rescue you against your will.
  • Research emotional abuse books and learn as much as you can.
  • Learn to recognize abusive relationships and how to avoid them, everywhere.
  • Begin building a support system by reaching out to community resources.
  • When in doubt, find your best resource: a professional advisor educated in abusive relationships.

• What does it take to heal from emotional abuse?

In order to live a happy and peaceful life, we need to learn ways to achieve and meet our needs and goals in an ethical and healthy manner; we need to receive sound affection, we need to be accepted and respected for who we are, we need to be able to meet our basic needs (material, emotional, spiritual, professional, etc.), we need to feel we can reach our goals in life successfully, and achieve every task we carry on (study, work, career, etc.) without feeling threatened by others.

Grown adults need to recognize and process childhood abuse in order to move forward and function in a normal, healthy relationship. In other words, it is hard to know where you’re going if you haven’t come to terms with where you’ve been.

Emotional abuse is Heart and Soul Mutilation

"Emotional abuse is underneath all other types of abuse - the most damaging aspect of physical, sexual, mental, etc. abuse is the trauma to our hearts and souls from being betrayed by the people that we love and trust."

"Our parents were emotionally abused in childhood because their parents were emotionally abused in childhood. Our parents were our role models who taught us how to relate to ourselves and our own emotions."

"The most destructive emotional abuse is the emotional abuse we learned to inflict upon ourselves. We formed our core relationship with self in early childhood and have been judging and shaming ourselves ever since. The most destructive thing about the emotional abuse we suffered because our parents were wounded, was that we incorporated the messages we got from their behavior into our relationship with self. We emotionally abuse ourselves on a daily basis."


    • 1

      Recognize that what's happening is abuse. Don't be in denial. The signs of emotional abuse include: verbal insults, name-calling (ex:bitch, stupid, psycho),controlling behavior, critisizing you constantly, putting you down or making jokes at your expense,diregarding your opinion,isolating you from your family,yelling, threatening to leave you,withholding affection as punishment,ignoring you when you're talking and not listening,controlling all the money and making all major dicisions without you.

    • 2

      You may be confused and he makes you think that it's all your fault. Realize you cannot control somebody else's behavior, so it is not your fault. Realize, you cannot change that person and that love is not supposed to hurt.

    • 3

      Emotional abuse lowers your self esteem and puts the abuser in control. He is always right and you're wrong. It's his way or the highway. Your emotional needs are neglected and maybe you feel lonely or depressed.

    • 4

      Have somebody to talk to and let them know what's going on. Maybe you have to end the toxic relationship. Get support from your family and friends, go talk to a counselor and get some advice.

    • 5

      If you're depressed, talk to your doctor about prescribing antidepressants. They usually take 4-8 weeks to work so the sooner you start treatment, the better.

    • 6

      Leave the abuser and move on with your life. Become stronger person and learn to avoid this type of abusive men in the future. Learn to recognize the early red flags before you get too invloved.

The Most Common Form of Abuse

Emotional abuse is the most common form of abuse - and yet least talked about. Part of the reason it is so easy for people to overlook is that so that much of what is considered normal and acceptable forms of communication is in fact abusive. Many people don't know that they have been - or are being - emotionally abused. In addition, a lot of emotional abuse doesn't appear to be severe or dramatic, although its effects can be.

Emotional Abuse is Characterized by a Climate of Abuse

Unlike physical or sexual abuse, where a single incident constitutes abuse, emotional abuse is made up of a series of incidents, or a pattern of behavior that occurs over time. Emotional abuse is more than just verbal insults, the most common definition of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a series of repeated incidents - whether intentional or not - that insults, threatens, isolates, degrades, humiliates, and/or controls another person.

It may include a pattern of one or more of the following abuses: insults, criticisms, aggressive demands or expectations, threats, rejection, neglect, blame, emotional manipulation and control, isolation, punishment, terrorizing, ignoring, or teasing.

Harassment, physical and sexual abuse, and witnessing abuse of others are also forms of emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse can take place anywhere: at home, at school, in relationships, and in the workplace. Contrary to popular beliefs that bullies are only found in the school yard, many bullies also exist in the workplace.

Emotional Abuse and Gender

It's unclear whether males or females are more emotionally abusive, however, it seems that girls/women are more likely to use emotional abuse to gain control and power, while boys/men are more likely to use physical intimidation, aggression, and violence.

The Effects of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is not only under-reported, but it's effects are minimized. The famous childhood verse, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me" is simply not true. In fact, many physical and sexual abuse survivors have said that the emotional abuse was often more devastating and had longer-term effects.

Emotional abuse cuts to the core of a person, attacking their very being. Emotional abuse, if frequent enough, is usually internalized by the victim, and leaves them feeling fearful, insignificant, unworthy, untrusting, emotionally needy, undeserving and unlovable, and as if they were bad, deserving of punishment, and to blame.

Survivors of emotional abuse often have a hard time understanding why they feel so bad. The abuse may not sound like much, and often people around them will minimize the experience, telling them it's not so bad. But a climate of disregard for a person's feelings, where one is subjected to constant or frequent criticisms, being yelled at, or being ignored - has a deep and profound effect, attacking the very self-image and confidence of a person.

Identifying Emotional Abuse

How do you recognize emotional abuse? One thing that can help is to step back from your situation and examine the overall climate in your home or your workplace. Trust your instincts and feelings about people. Sometimes, a person can just look at you and you know that they are looking down at you. Other times, their words are okay but their tone is mean. Emotional abuse is insidious and can be very subtle, so trust your gut; it's telling you something.

Naming It

Because it is harder to name emotional abuse as abuse, it can be harder to heal from as well. The first step is to name your experience as abuse. Trust how you feel. Many people can identify the abuse once they know what to look for because they change from being outgoing, self-confident, and care-free to feeling nervous, anxious, and fearful in the company of an emotionally abusive person. Just because you're feeling those feelings doesn't mean that you're being emotionally abused; there could be something else going on. But, those feelings combined with abusive behavior is convincing evidence that you are being abused.

Try describing to other people how this person behaves. Be honest, and listen to the feedback you receive. If you don't feel good about the feedback, try someone else. Remember that emotional abuse is frequently minimized.

Overcoming the Dynamic

Emotional abuse sets up a dynamic where the victim comes to believe that they are to blame and that they must work harder to fix the problems (such as improving the relationship.) This never works because the problem is not the victim; the abusive behavior is the problem. Nothing you do will change that. No matter how nice and accommodating you are, nothing that you do will change an emotionally abusive person's behavior. In fact, many people get even more aggressive when you try to make it better, because they sense that you think it's your fault, and this confirms their own beliefs!

It can be very hard to not fall into the role of being "good girl" or "good boy" when someone is emotionally abusing you, but it's important to avoid that.

If You're Presently Being Emotionally Abused

If you know that you're currently being emotionally abused, you'll need to find ways to protect yourself emotionally; to reduce or stop contact with the abusive person; to find allies; to talk about what is going on, and to look into options to keep yourself from being further abused. This can get complicated, depending on the context, but there are many resources to help you with workplace bullying and abuse in relationships.

If You've Been Emotionally Abused in the Past

Identifying the abuse as abuse is an important step in your healing. It means that you recognize that what happened to you was wrong, hurtful, and not your fault. Placing responsibility for the abuse on the abuser is key to healing from abuse.

Countering Negativity

Countering the negative messages that you received is also really important. You may need to write down all the insulting things that you learned about yourself and counter each one with the truth. It may feel unnatural or foreign to counter these messages, but it will help you to feel better in the long-run. Catch yourself when you find that you are putting yourself down. Take a breath, and remind yourself that you don't want to do that anymore, that you don't deserve to be hurt, and that you want to think of yourself differently.

See if you can come up with something that you like about yourself. If you can't come up with something good, think about how you would like to think about yourself. The idea is to interrupt the flow of insulting thoughts you have, and to find ways to replace those thoughts with self-soothing ones.

By finding ways to be gentle and soothing with yourself, you are directly countering those messages. Being kind to yourself by asking yourself what you need, what you want to do, and letting yourself do those things are all ways to create a more positive and loving relationship with yourself.

No matter what you've been told or how you've been treated, you are worthy of love and respect. The more you know this, the less likely you will be to accept disrespectful or abusive behavior towards yourself or others. You should not have to take emotional abuse from anyone - no matter what the excuse. You deserve to be treated well.

healing from abuse

Abuse comes in many forms: verbal, physical, mental, sexual, and of course emotional, which underlies all other types of abuse.

Those who abuse have not come to terms with their own past emotional issues. Whether it's insecurities they haven't dealt with or the need to maintain complete control of their world, they will rob you of your freedoms in order to feel better about themselves. They will attempt to achieve power by lowering your self-worth because they're threatened by you, or because they don't understand or respect you. Abusers are weak and have personal limitations they have yet not learned to overcome. The less they feel in control the more abusive they get, as they fall into their own limited emotional states which are usually outside their conscious awareness.

This is important to know because, while you are the one who is made to feel inadequate, the abuse you receive seldom has anything to do with you. Unfortunately, we often carry the scars long after the abuse ended.

Ways people abuse you

  • Tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to justify actions or ideas
  • Accuse and blame to divert attention away from them selves
  • Refuse to take another's point of view and irrationally defend their point of view
  • With hold information so the abused will look bad later on ("you should have known that"). Not sharing information someone is entitled to
  • Not acknowledging another's feeling
  • Slighting or taking digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner. Allows the abuser to say he was just kidding while still being abusive
  • Changing the subject to divert attention from them selves
  • Making someone feel worthless in an attempt to lower their self-esteem and bring them down to the level of the abuser.
  • Threatening or hinting of physical, mental or sexual abuse
  • Denying anything is wrong (not being responsible and lying to self)
  • Inappropriate emotional out bursts (a form of distracting attention, confusing the abused or shifting blame)
  • Controlling others to domineer and limit the freedom or expression
  • Forgetting commitments and promises.
  • Denying success by placing unreasonable demands, unjustly singling out or constantly placing someone in the category of a loser.
  • Taking advantage of ones weakness or using shame, guilt or fear against another
  • Manipulating another person against their will
  • Submissive actions
  • Cutting some one off so they are not allowed to speak. Suppressing self-expression.
  • Eliminating your ability to choose
  • Inappropriate questions or comments to evoke an emotional response
  • Humiliating someone in front of others or inappropriately pushing their buttons
  • Pretending to understand your concerns, and then disregarding them
  • Slandering some ones name, reputation, associations oractivities

THE LONG TERM EFFECTS OF ABUSE include detachment, isolation, and a feeling of being unreal or cold to the world. It lowers self-worth and self-esteem. Past memories may be hazy or entire portions of a persons past may not even be accessible. Unresolved feelings from past abuse are a major cause of emotional disorders, including anxiety, panic attacks, stress, depression and OCD.

UNRESOLVED NEGATIVE EMOTIONS AND STRESS have been credited for up to 75% of all hospital stays. Those who have not come to terms with past abuse, especially abuse they suffered in childhood, will have a harder time dealing with stressful situations in their lives. They'll end up tapping into whatever negative emotions they're carrying every time a situation occurs which reminds them of the abuse they've suffered in the past. Since these reactions happen in the recesses of the subconscious, they may have no understanding of why they feel bad.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

How to Help Someone with Depression

What are the positive things you can say and do to help someone with depression? Here are some ideas written by someone who has experienced deep depression and been helped greatly by family and friends.

1. Be On Their Side

  • Someone with depression will often get defensive, so an accusatory tone is not helpful. Try to convey a sense of understanding. It isn’t helpful to say “Why can’t you just get out of bed?” Instead try “You seem to have trouble getting out of bed in the mornings. What can I do to help you in this area?”
  • The person may have lost perspective on how big a problem actually is. They will find it hard to hear that what is insurmountable for them is actually not such a big deal. It is unhelpful to say “What’s your problem? You’re upset about nothing.” Instead try “You seem to be finding this issue a big deal at the moment. Can we solve it together?”
  • When I was very sick, I often thought that my wife was trying to ruin my life. To counter that kind of thinking she would often say “We are a team. I am on your side.”
  • Depression is an awful illness, a whole world away from pure sympathy-seeking. So you should treat it as such. “I trust you. If you had a choice in the matter you wouldn’t choose to have depression. How about we search for ways to deal with depression together?”

2. Give Plenty of Reassurance

  • Many people suffering with depression feel unworthy of being loved. You need to reassure them frequently. For example “I love you for who you are. I am not going to leave you.”
  • In a similar vein, they may have lost the ability to recognize their positive attributes. You might reaffirm them with “You are a sensitive person who cares for others” or “People really love you a lot. They think you’re a great person.”
  • If said repeatedly and with absolute sincerity then it is helpful to say “If you ever need a friend, I am here.”

3. Give Understanding and Sympathy

  • Someone with depression can spend a lot of time ruminating on their situation and feeling sorry for themselves. Pointing it out to them is not helpful. Instead, try to sympathize.
  • “I can’t imagine how hard it is for you, but you have all my sympathy.”
  • “All I want to do is give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on.”
  • “I can’t honestly say that I know how you feel, but I want to help in any way I can.”

4. Offer to Help

  • “Let me do anything you need me to do to help.”
  • If you ask “What is the best thing I can do to help you right now?” don’t be offended if the reply is “Leave me alone”. Helping someone with depression can sometimes mean doing nothing.
  • Well meaning people often attempt to immediately fix the problem. “Have you tried aromatherapy? There was an article about it in the paper…” . This kind of comment can come across as trivializing the illness. If you want to introduce a treatment idea, make sure you are respectful about the seriousness of depression. “It’s important that you stay on your medication and keep seeing your doctor. I’ve found some information on aromatherapy. Would you like to look into it with me?”
  • While it is important to accept the person in the state they are in, don’t let it totally consume your life. Otherwise, you’ll fall in a heap and won’t be much help to anyone. You need to take care of yourself. “I am committed to you and to helping you. But I also need to eat / shop / go out for coffee / ring a friend / see a movie to recharge my batteries. Then I can look after you better.”